WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?
“I could start a novel,
Start a charity,
Start a small business course,
And take the first baby steps towards
Starting a multi-national global franchised corporation.
Or I could just have a ciggie and a cup of tea.”
- ‘What Am I Supposed to be Doing?’, The Bedroom Philosopher
“What does your anxiety feel like?”
A co-worker asked me this last week and it made me pause. My anxiety – yeah, what does it feel like? I spend so much of my time managing it, almost to the point that it is subconscious, why can’t I identify the feeling? Is it constant? Does it change? How do I manage it? I explained that sometimes it’s trusting in the “everything happens for a reason” mentality, and other times it’s watching your breath as it goes in and out, making sure you don’t miss any. I also explained that sometimes it’s not about control at all, and you just have to ride the wave as it feels like it will engulf you – but you just have to believe that it won’t.
I’ve always been a bit of an anxious kid – I remember from a young age worrying about doing the right thing or worrying about the experience of others. I remember always having that icky feeling behind my throat and in the pit of my stomach. I also remember believing that everything rests on my actions and should I do wrong, it would ruin the way the world works for me and those around me. Coming into my teens, the pressures of school didn’t improve things. Coming out of my teens, I lost a close family member, and that’s when things escalated. In my early twenties I started seeing a therapist, in my early-mid-twenties I started on my first round of anti-depressants. Now, at 25 I am off my medication and I give a lot of thanks to my studies in yoga for that. One of the reasons I teach is just that – I am an anxious person. The lifestyle of yoga offsets my personality. I find it comforting.
So, what does it feel like? Anxiety for me ranges dramatically. It might be the irritation of a repetitive noise in the house (or that person chewing on the tube next to me!), it might be overthinking and hypothesising about the future, it might be a feeling of guilt, it might be a feeling of imposter-syndrome, it might be a little nagging in my ear, cause me to hold my breath until my chest hurts or it might incapacitate me completely. More often than not it presents as a lack of motivation. A sense that I should be doing something, and I am not. This is the part of anxiety that I haven’t mastered, and it affects me every day.
“And I’ve got six different ‘things to do’ lists
Hidden around my room.
Please tell me
What am I supposed to be doing?”
After moving to London post-India, I have found the lack-of-motivation parts of my anxiety the worst to handle. Learning so much about the ancient histories of yoga, about Patanjali and the traditional sides of true ashtanga yoga, it has made me more aware of who I am and what I want in a very simplistic, primal sense. If you don’t like something, don’t do it. But you still need money to survive, and to make money, you might not always like it. I feel like most of the West is stuck in this never-ending cycle of earning enough money to be happy. I’m trying to work my way out, but my lack-of-motivation is holding me back, so I’m in the cycle as well.
While in India, so much of the last part of my journey was focussed around observation. If there is one thing you take away from this post, it’s to observe yourself. My conversation with the co-worker last week has prompted a new sense of observation, of myself, my anxiety and my wants and needs. All anyone wants is happiness – how can you find out what this means to you if you don’t observe what aids or hinders your experience of life?
If you’re looking for a how-to in this post, then here it is:
1. Focus on your breath
Nothing shows the truth more than how you are breathing. Try and slow it down, or at least keep it consistent. Ensure your exhales are longer than your inhales (did you know we tend to not breathe out all the way each time we exhale? We don’t even use our whole lung capacity). Try to follow the 4-7-8 rule. 4 in, 7 hold, 8 out. Five rounds should calm you down, and if it doesn’t, it won’t hurt to keep going.
2. Observe how you feel throughout the day
Something which I am going to start doing is to record how I am feeling on the hour every hour. Not super practical for most, but I’m a very book-and-pen kind of girl, so I know if I write it down then I’m committing to the data. You can use numbers or smileys or words. Do what will work for you – and check out my Instagram stories for my progress in the coming weeks. We’re in this together.
3. Commit to a meditation practice
Since returning from India, I’ve been slacking off on my mediation and chanting. Tomorrow I restart my daily 108 Gayatri Mantra chanting. Aside from that, I’d like to find anywhere from 10-60 minutes to sit and work on my chakras (keep an eye out for a post about this, and you can follow along with me).
4. Look into the four paths of yoga
I will do another post on this soon but identifying your yogic path can help with your anxiety management. I tend to take a Bhakti approach, believing that everything is the Source, that everything is how it is meant to be and to thank the Source at every turn because life is meant to be this way. The other paths include Jnana, Raja and Karma. (NB. Ironically I do not believe I am a Bhakti yogi)
5. Take up craft
I’ve just started embroidering and it’s incredibly rewarding. Picking up a craft when you have anxiety or depression can be incredibly beneficial. It gives you little wins to make you feel you’re making little accomplishments. If you can embroider something as simple as a line, you’ll feel proud and it will boost your mood.
6. Find some time for you
If in reading this you’re starting to panic and realise that mediation and observing your mind freaks you out, then find an hour a day to stop. That hour is yours, and only yours. Lock yourself away or go for a walk alone, journal, watch a tv show, embroider something, bake something, listen to music, dance, learn a new song, do an asana class. Find some time to be yourself in your purest form.
Do you have anything you choose to do when you’re feeling anxious? Let me know in the comments or on the social channels. Any oils you use? Any techniques you follow? I’m all ears!
Namaste,
Ax
There is a song by an Australian artist from Melbourne, The Bedroom Philosopher, titled “What Am I Supposed to be Doing?”, which I’ve referenced here greatly. Justin Heazlewood (The Bedroom Philosopher) has brought me out of more than one slump with his comedic yet telling-it-how-it-is sense of tone. Having also written a book “Funemployed”, Justin’s work has highlighted the real-life challenges of being an artist in Australia. One prevalent chapter is “The Black Cat” which discusses the effects of mental health on a struggling artist. His music, his books and his new-out podcast are a delight for anyone struggling with mental health, or just anyone in general. If you’re in a slump, chuck on “What Am I Supposed to be Doing?” It will help, I promise.